Speechless

Have u ever had that feeling,
When u really like some1 and they really like u too and u start to shake and tear up... Speechless cuz ur happy
Basically,
Someone had the courage to find my heart that was hidden under the sea and unlocked my chest and put the pieces back together
and the happy part is that I didn't have to try and gave him hints, he figured it out on his own
Speechless, because there is somebody that
can understand me,
wants only me,
cares about how I feel,
wants to get to be with me,
makes me happy and smile...

Speechless
straight up
there's still L.O.V.E in my life

He Could Be

The difference about this one is that he really, really likes me.
My friend said that when you meet someone as nice as he is, you don't let that go
The thing is that I wasn't looking, it happened naturally
I believe it was his mixtapes, but it was more than that
everything was real
I've talked to many guys, either too far(long distance relationship), clingy, ghetto, not educated, or scrub guys
But with this one, he's here
Imma call this one, Fly boy
he's actually proving to me that he is different from all them other guys
As far as I know now, he is treating me with respect, like a real woman, treats me right
He makes me feel special, not in a retarded way, but like I'm an important part of his life
He's a real gentlemen, very sexy
He gives me my space, doesn't bother me... He knows the right things to say
Do I believe him, sometimes I do, and sometimes it's hard
Do I want to fall for him, I think I am starting to
He is showing me what Love is
I thought my heart, my love was gone
But he found it, it's just a matter of time
that he could be the one to open it

Caught UP!

Am I caught up in the dream world,
or is this happening?
This new Love
New feelings
something is happening whether I want it or not, whether I like it or not

Do I want to be caught up in this thing called, Love?
I do, but then I don't...
I'm still afraid to let love in
questions running through my mind-- is this world, this love just a fling? or is it for realz? what if he wants to be more than just friends, is he the one?
I don't want to be caught up in a relationship, when I don't know what is going to happen? Will he always make me happy-will he treat you right forever- will there be sex involve in this Love?
I don't want to be caught up in any thing, cuz I'm scared.

BUT

when you know and understand each others' point of view,
when you know how to finish each others' sentences,
when you know what's on their mind,
when your heart beats together with his,
when he treats you right way,
that is Love

I can't help it, when Love is catching up with me.

Caught up, in Love
I'm not in the dream world,
it's for realz

Judgementals

we listen to the criticism, the judgments...you change for the better, you prioritize, you do what is best for you-financially, socially, educationally, emotionally...just to make people happy, because it's the right thing to do...right?

What about what makes me happy?

I guess when people are happy is when you I will be happy...right?

No...

I sometimes do not want to listen to what people say about me or the other person,
it breaks my heart to know,
it makes me cry,
trying to live life,
to love, what ever is left of me

Who are you to judge who I date or who I talk to?
Why do you criticize or be judgmental about the person you don't even know...
If you are with an older, who you say is older and been through it all and has more history than a guy your age or younger... what is that say... 80% he knows how to treat a girl wrong, because he's been there and done already...
That's you, not me

I want to be with someone who actually hasn't experienced all that... BRAND NEW...
We don't know what's going to happen in the end...
If he is the guy that will make me happy in the end then he's the one...

We all say, "Guys are always nice in the beginning, but you never know how they are until you are actually with them." and if it's an older man, he might already have a criminal record, you never know, and if it's a your age or younger guy, there is no history; only a little...

We don't know how it's going to be in the future... and I don't want to know what the future will hold... I learned from my mistakes not to think about the future

I live my life one day at a time
I KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Stereotypes

We all have our list on how our men should look like...

...blah blah blah...

we judge before we actually know the person,
we stereotype them in categories that we make up
categories of what type of men they are
Types and classes they belong too...
Are they ghetto, are they trying too hard to fit in, that guys act the way they do-types,
they way they dress (what brand or type of clothes they wear), the way they talk (do they talk like girls, their tone of voice), the way they walk; all leads to the perceptions of who they are...
Their characters show a lot about them...

NOW...
Ask me if I care about these stereotypes of different types of men...
NO!
I don't care,
Who should decide what your future will be...who decide whose best for me?? ME! right?
Do I look for a typical guy... like I said what if he's the one and you let him go, because of the way other people stereotype a guy

Why do people judge other people just because how they are raise?
It's hurts to know how people portray other people because of who they are and what they look like.

I just want a guy, beyond the stereotypes, that will makes me happy.

Afraid

Afraid of love

Afraid to let love in
They may try to take the risk and do the unthinkable,
but not me
I can't do it, not that I don't want to, I just don't know how
cuz
I've been through it all,
even though I was with one person this pass several years,
a lot happened that 21 questions doesn't even compare

They might not worry, cuz they are guys
I worry, I worry about my heart
My heart is glued back together, cuz some1 makes me happy
but

Afraid that some1 will knock it down and break it again

Afraid to take a leap and jump and no1 is there to catch me
Afraid to go through it all over again
Afraid that a boy might just happen to really like me

Afraid to love

Aaliyah - One In A Million

SLow Down???

Even though we've only met each other for like 10 minutes, talked on the phone for like hours within one week... it's really different..
It's like when we talk, we can talk about a lot about what's going on with our lives
like there is nothing holding us back

I have to slow down though,

Why?

I don't know if I'm moving in too fast or he is, but I can't let that happen...
like one of his songs he's racing through my mind... am I love sick... am I going to be part of his past..slow down or it's not going to last...
Listening to his music is something real, his tone is very different, the way it flows is sexy
He can be some1 successful
But I am very open, if he wants to talk to me, why not...
shoot.. he can be part of my past too, if he don't slow down
I can't stop smiling, for realz...

I think I have to slow down...

Let things flow smoothly with both our busy schedules. If it happens, it happens

Time will keep going,
it's not about moving too fast or needing to slow down,
it's the moment of the relationship which in tales the movement of time.

Hurts to Know

Knowledge is pain, because when you find out or know something, it hurts.
Hurts to know the past, because it limits you from moving forward into the future.
Should it bother me,
should the past bother me, that I too is competing from the past

What is the past? Was it that great that we shall compete with it?

Tough Love

Love is very hard to come by... but when someone is out there for you, don't you think you should go for it,
why is there gotta be limitations and full of questions... I mean a lot of questions
A lot of background check...
Why not??
Why not try it out and see?
Do we have to know the person before we get to know the person... isn't the idea of meeting new people is talking to them and getting to know them?
What if he could be my soul mate, should I limit myself from finding out what is out there for me...
we have to take chances take those risk and see beyond the discovery of love out there
Right?
Why can't I take the risk and finding it out for myself?
I mean if it's a mistake, I will learn from it.


Love is hard to come by, why not follow my heart...
Why can't I follow my heart? Because my heart is not in me, to love
My heart is still in a chest hidden in the deep ocean

tough, very very tough

I think Something just Happened

You know what people have been telling me all this time,
when something happens, it will happen with a flow,
they said, "love will find you,"

so here goes...

Love is so brand new,
Something is very different about this feeling
This feeling,
that when you meet someone, you get that butterflies in your stomach...
Feelings I can't even explain
Didn't feel like that with any other guys that I have met
hhhmmmm
He put a smile on my face,
When we talk, it's not about science or about school.
Hearing what he does is something new to me, so brand new
Never even met him yet... weird
Feeling like this is unexplainable

But

Could it be, that this guy found my weakness, music
Could it be, that one touch of my heart, that he has found my love
Maybe...
Taking chances, trying new things, it's hard

But, my heart is still locked up in a chest and buried under the deep blue see
metaphorically speaking
and if someone is courageous enough to find my heart will have my love.

All I'm saying is that
I love it when a man is career driven, has a degree and sexy on the phone...

But

I still have no heart,
I have happiness,
but can this happiness turn in to love?

Am I still Broken

It's been almost a month since I've written something about my heart.
Once I replied back to AirMan to try it again, never gotten a response back... so once again my feelings are blocked by a wall, never going to start something with him

Been out with a friend who had said that we didn't have chemistry... saw couple movies and cheesecake factory, but that's all... nothing biggy... he's still the same, acts like a chauvinist
Been talking to the Park guy, but I still don't want anything to happen with him, cuz I want more... much much more
and then for some reason someone from the past contacted me... Teddy bear I call him, cuz he's so big like a teddy bear... He's been out of it cuz he's relationship is going down hill... that's what he said... but u know me... never believe anything.

knowing different guys is kinda fun...

So I've just been out there having fun... doing me... trying to finish school

It's been 7 months since the incident...haven't really talked about my heart being broken...
I think my happiness what makes me heal.

From Air Man

Fly guy said, "It has taken me awhile to arrange all my thoughts so here it goes. 1st I am not erasing you from my phone. 2nd I never played you. 3rd I consider you more then a friend. I am not erasing you from my phone because I still like you, I was upfront with you from the beginning. I think you are amazing and I have only met you a few times. You give off a good vibe. Yes we had sex.... and it was fucking amazing, no lie best I have had had. You smelt so good, and your body felt so smooth against mine. I consider that a very special moment. You might feel as if I played you but it just kind of happened. I like texting with you but I don't like feeling you were giving off when I didn't text you back within a certain amount of time. Like I have said before when I am here I just focus on what I do here. I hardly talk on the phone and text all that much anyway so give me a little break on that ok. I would like to be in a relationship with you ok, its just something I am not even thinking about until I move back to Cali ok? I don't want you to get upset if i don't text for a few days or get back to you right away. that is what boyfriends and girlfriends do. sometimes I just dnt want to talk ya know. Jessica you are incredibly beautiful and intelligent and your the perfect woman a guy could want ok. You have my deepest apologies ok."

I have no idea really what to say to this message that he sent me.
Every single word on this message, i have question for....
Really hard to believe what he said...cuz i don't know what he wants from me anymore.

At The Club

Been to some club...recently
the most recent, The Social, Sacramento
wack- the DJ was wack- it was like high school, retro crap
I mean i like listening to all kinds of music, but in a certain atmosphere of the club, some music is inappropriate
when i go to the club,
I do not go there to get all sloppy drunk like all them other bitches who can't handle their own liquor intake,
I do not go to the club to guys, hell no,
I go because I like to listen to mixes and dance
Do I like to dance with boys, yes...
I think sometime when there is a bad DJ, you just have to simply drink more so u sometimes don't even notice the ugly mixes they playing.

Just real talk-
I hate when I go to the club and pay and they playing ugly songs you can't barely dance to.

Recover

No matter how many guys I meet this year, I think this year, 2010 is going to be my recovery period of my life.
Guys will come and go in my life,
but in the end, it will always be about my life

My life, I am rebuilding
constructing a new path in my life
This year is about setting new goals, maybe a new career
It starts by focusing in my studies
My dad had told me this weekend that not to think about him or my mom's best interest and not to think about that my future is for them- he told me that this is your moment, "this is for you... you do it for you and nobody else
and when u have reached that, then you will help your family, but right now, help yourself succeed; for you, only you."
He said there shouldn't be any boys in my life right now, he straight up and said, "NO!"
So, the only thing that I can do is listen and think to myself that I can do this, I can rebuild my life and recover from all these pain that some people have caused and move forward to my dream

KEEP MOVING FORWARD

I keep moving forward, I will recover

Guys are Full of S***

they make u really believe that they are nice
they make you believe that they will take good care of you, because the the ex didn't
they make u comfortable enough so they can get what they want, which 80 percent of woman do give in to the pressure = sex.
They brake you
they play you,
they play games
too many playing around

really why?

Heart or Mind?

How do you know when to follow your heart or your mind, when you feel like you're in that mind/heart set that this guy(fly guy) is the one.
My mind is telling me to just forget about him; he's just like all the other guys- like a player and a guy that will hurt me. The only that's hurting me right now from him is that he is ignoring me. He said he's not ignoring and not to worry, because he's just doing he's own thing there and that is it. What is that all mean? If I only knew what he really feels about me. I want to know, because I do not want to feel like this anymore- feeling like I'm waiting for something that isn't real. Why is it not real, because of all these bullshit "gf" crap- If it's real he wouldn't be playing around on facebook with other girls on his arms and wouldn't be acting like a player; especially when he said, he's a nice guy.
I guess in my mind, he isn't a real, nice, guy that I could wait for...
BUT then again,
My heart tells me that he is the one that I can wait for and that he is a nice guy(from knowing him since middle school); that in the end it will be worth it.
BUT then again,
My Mind tells me, do not wait for the guy, because you don't know what is going to happen between now and 6 months later; and he hasn't really said to wait for him.
So ya...

From the Park

Met this guy at the club called, The Park.
He texted me, so I texted back.
He called, and we talked on the phone for hours.
We went our first dinner date at the PF Changs.
(I met up with him this time, learned from the very first date)
It went okay, it does not mean I am convinced that he is the one.
Oh NO, NO.
We will see.
There were some flaws, but I have flaws too.
But does that all matter or not
We had a really good conversation- from the time we talked on the phone up until the end of dinner.
He talked about this little girl a lot that he calls, "god daughter" or "daughter" he said it's his friends daughter- hhhhmmmmm???? right???
I don't know; still a question mark there.

But over all for the first date, an actual real first date, I give it a 75%.

Second date??? maybe? We will see, maybe the percentile will go up.

Air Man- The Ending Chapter

I think that he so busy, he has his own priorities.
I told him that he could have tried to have a conversation with me
so that tells me, he is not really interested
he said he was sorry- apology accepted cuz i am a nice girl
he said i worry too much--
I don't like talking to a wall, especially when I text him and all i get is nothing, even on the weekends, when he is not working

I think that is the sign = no longer wants to talk to me and get to know me = Not so very nice; and he said he is nice.

3/29/10-
he said, "I just do me here Miss Cruz..."
and on top of it he doesn't want to get rid of me.

??????????????

3/30/10
I miss him, and he texted that he misses me too
I asked him when he moves back here, does he sees me being together with him?

???????????????

So, what I feel right now, about him, is nothing... he was just a friend that I had sex with and that was it.

4/01/10
so I finally talked to him; we are just friends and nothing more he said because we live apart and I'm crazy.
I guess he'll never know that I really liked him and that 6 months will go by so fast
and it a shame that he will never get the chance to really be with me.

it's my fault- I let my heart do the talking instead of mind and my guts

For now, I will end this chapter as another lesson learned--in do not date or talk to another military guy cuz it's too damn complicated(from one of my friend's recommendations)- unless they are really genuine and really really really want to get to know you and wants to be with you

Air Man Part 2

03/15/10-
My fly guy just texted me today, and actually called and left a message.
We talked and said hello... it was short.
Having a lil conversation about what is going on with him was kind of cool, because he actually was the one talking.

03/19/10-
we talked again today and it was so nice hearing his voice
but every time, I feel like it's too good to be true--talking to a guy like him
is it even worth it

and then I saw his facebook page again to see if he had comment on my post, he didn't... there is another woman in his life and calling herself his "gf"
I don't like it, can't do anything about it...
he said they're just friends and they both went through divorces at the same time, but I know that there could be something there

should i fight for something that could be real and just let my heart finds it's way
or should I get out now, before my heart gets hurt again.

Air Man

I will call this blog Air Man guy, because he will remain nameless for now in this blog.

I saw him when we were like in middle school at St. Claire Catholic Church and then went to the same high school and we were in the same piano class (which I do not remember but we were).
Time passed (8 years later)

he's in the AirForce now hence the "Air," almost done...he has a 4 year old daughter, divorce and has many gf that he talks to, including me.
started talking to him, I think it was December or January.
he's attractive and I like him
he said he likes me
We finally saw each other, one was on the 3rd of March, we made out- Kisses were good...but what did it mean?
and then the following week, he was acting up, so I ignored him and thought that, hey maybe he was just playing around and just wants to be my friend and maybe faith will bring us together someday, right?
and then he texted me sorry with a picture...
So i forgave him. I told him I was going to be down in the bay and if he wanted to kick it, he said yes- So i went over his house on Friday the 12th for a couple of hours and then went saw my friends
and then Saturday night, he took me to the movies and I spent the night. It was very darn in the room...(can't explain in details what happened in that room of his, but it took us a very very long time)= saw the light; it was a great night.

During the that night, he asked me if I trusted him; I shook my head, No, in reply.
I didn't know what was that all about...
it's hard to trust someone, especially when, 1. they're talking to multiple girls; 2. I do not know if he's for real or not, he may have texted it to me or said it to; 3. I still really don't know him yet
He may get mad at me about how I do not believe he's a nice guy; well buddy- you are nice, nice enough to treat a gurl right, but being nice ends at some point.
Being nice to me, means you just want to get into my pants (which he did)...see.

Trust is a big thing to me and I know for him, it is too.
but when I see a picture that he took to say I'm sorry to me and put it on facebook as to saying trying to grow a beard... whao... or trying to see her other gfs that he was talking to or I guess still is talking and the way they talk to each other on facebook = PLAYA

I may have fucked him, cuz i was literally on top the whole time, but how we both agreed that it was great...= It was Just sex and nothing more. I think to him it's more of we just having fun right now...I agreed... I couldn't help myself.. I have not have sex in like 5-6 months that is really good like that, but if it's just for fun to him and then it will be to me too.
He saying, if I live here right now (in the bay), I would make you my filipino woman... uuhhh huh.
Everything that I told him, was not a lie, he may believe, he may not... But when I say something, it's true, it's for real...
But when he saying something like, he's for real, I don't believe him; It's very hard.

So,

where do we go from here? I don't know...
My mind and my heart are telling me two different things right now
and so,
I will continue to talk to him, and just simply pretend that having great sex with him doesn't mean anything and be friends,
because I do not want to cry and be hurt again, because when I satisfy a man it's always great and I always end up hurt... so I will be a strong woman and believe that this relationship with the AirForce dude is just simply too good to be true...for now.

to be continued.

How do you know? Part II

How do you know or how can you tell if the guy you like really likes you?
how do you know that you are the only one that they are talking to and serious enough to get to know you that will eventually lead to something new?


I don't think I will never find out, because it's just "talking" and nothing more.

Going to be Single

I think after experiencing talking to different types of guys for this past 5 months, someone told me that i am going to be single for at least a whole year.
they said that i look so happy, look hella good, and just brush off that bad stuff of my shoulders.
I think they are right, I am going to be happy and single.
One of my sisters told me to pursue this guy that i like and made out with... he was sexy... he held my hand; and I was like, wtf are you doing? After 7 yrs any affection in the relationship just slips away, like holding hands. My ex didn't want to hold my hands anymore when we walk. And then this guy gave a good explanation as to why you should hold hands...
I asked myself, why should I pursue this guy? Why should I keep talking to him, if 1. he doesn't feel the same way, 2. He said we live far from each other, 3. he explained that he's just enjoying the company(him and I's company)... So, why should I put an effort in something that's probably not going to work?
My other blog, "trying"... you try and you try and what end up like shit.

I know I am not suppose to feel anything, I really don't, because I am still numb, I can't trust anybody, cannot believe what anybody says or do
and like what my coworker said,

I am going to be Single.

It's so Hard

Everything...
everything is just so damn hard,
Life will never get easier nor be easier
Growing older, there are more responsibilities, more concerns about lifestyles, worrying about work or job opportunities, career goals...
Love will always be complicated, and never easy.
It use to be just crushing on each other, singing that K.I.S.S.I.N.G. song,
then the long phone calls before cell phones became popular,
Oh, don't forget pagers and 2-ways, something like that,
and Now there are many different ways to communicate Love to one another.

I'm just saying this because, it's really hard to believe in someone, because of all these technology and about other things...
Like what my other blog said, my heart and my mind are in two different places.
my heart tells me to talk to this guy whose really sweet and the way he talks and feels about life is so deep; and then there is this other guy who wants to really know me and also nice and hella cute, but so far away and another guy who has hella games and wants to sex me up; and other guys who just simply has no games, but are my friends for life; they all say what's on their mind and what they feel
Some came from a broken relationship which I can somewhat relate to, but worse

is that enough?
Should I keep talking to them,
Should I like one of them and not the other,
My mind keeps telling me a lot of reasons why I shouldn't get involve,
Should I even believe what they say; especially, when they say they want to make me feel sexy- In my head all I can think about is sex...
Should I just keep my eyes open and think that none of these guys will ever be real and be real serious with me? Yes

One said they like me, but they're too far away and just enjoying the moment; should I feel the same way...should I just enjoy the moment too
I don't want to enjoy the moment and end up in the dead end and one of us gets hurts and I don't want to be the person that gets hurt
One said, he's still legal married and can't get a divorce yet

This shit is hard, I like the guy, but nothing can happen..what kind of shit is this?
It's probably not worth it,
what's the point of talking to these guys?

Is it just for fun and pleasure for myself talking to different guys?
It's hard... I wish it was just like this--
I like him, he likes me, lets talk and get to know each other and have few dates and then Kiss and then sleep overs and start of new relationship... is that hard?

Another Lesson Learned

Can't always believe what people say
including guys
Don't make guys feel inferior over your body even though you can't help it cuz it's so sexy
Next time just Kiss...a simply kiss when you're hanging out

Love is Happening

There could be love,
made me think that someone could love
love for me--it can happen again, right?
there's a chance

but then again,

it's so scary falling in love, or the idea of liking someone.
this love stuff
love is happening, whether I like it or not
and it's really scary.

How do (you know)?

How do you know when to really fall in love and get married?
How do you know they're the right person to get married with?
how do people fall in love so fast and get married so fast? why?

If life is too short to live, I guess people should get married and live life in the fast lane.
It's so hard, how do people do it?

In addition,

How do you know if you can really believe what a guy is saying? Especially when they say they can treat you the right way or they can make you feel sexy or show you how sexy you are...
They text you and send you sweet messages, they send you flowers or pictures of themselves (for what)
you get so lost in these mix messages,
that I've heard it all, seen it all
Let's just keep it real.
OR
Am I just afraid...it gives me goose bumps just thinking about falling in love again, thinking about the feeling of someone making me feel happy, secure, protected, loved and sexy, and the idea of happily ever after = there is NO such thing.

My mind and my heart are not in the same page right now.
How will I know, if I never try again; right?

There is no such thing...

There is no such thing as a nice man.
There is such thing as a nice woman = ME
but when I say, "I want a nice man," there isn't one at all...

why?

Because you try to talk to a guy, who you think his nice,
but then they just plane ol' mean dogs.
Mean, because instead of telling the truth, they lie.
because they not being straight up with, honesty
like I said before, lets keep it real.

so,
why can't they just say what they want to say, even though it's not going to make sense.
and talk about it

there is no such thing as a nice man nor a perfect man out there

Trying

you try and you try...
you try to forget,
you try to move on,
you try to be a better person,
you try

you try to talk to people,
you try to move on,

you try to call,
you try to text,
you try to take the lead,

but where is leading to?
why is it so hard?

What is it about trying so hard that makes it so difficult for the other person to also try?

The Numb Feeling

They say it's normal to feel numb about love in my situation.
Numb, that I don't feel anything about relationship; about anything; about anybody
Numb, because I do not have a whole heart
Numb, that if a guy don't like me, I don't care, because I don't give a shit and I don't have a heart to care about what he said

Numb enough that no matter how much I talk to guys,
I don't really know what they want
I don't know if they really like me or they're just messing around with my mind
so, what do i do?
I talk to them, but can't really trust what they say.
How do I know that when they want to talk to me, they really want to talk to me and get to know each other kind of talk...
If I put an effort to talking to them, how will I know that they're doing the same thing?
How do I know that I'm not the last person they call at night, because their other bitches wont talk to them?
How do i know that they're doing the same amount of effort that i'm putting in talking to them?
I will never know, until they tell me...
I wish it was simple again,
I wish they will just tell me how they feel, straight up
But in the mean time,
I will feel numb about every guy I meet
I will feel limited, not whole

I guess I don't have trust in any men right now,
I don't trust love
Love is numb

Part of being numb that I hate the most is that people that I know keeps telling me,
"you will find that someone special in you life" or "focus on yourself and your studies"
what the fuck you think I'm doing right now, not focusing on myself...duh!
I've always been focus about what I want in life, I just learned the hard way in life
but
I'm still focus
No numbness about that...

I will feel numb, until someone touches my heart and put it back into place

Can't Change the Past

It so hard to forget the past
a lot of decisions, a lot of different experiences
a lot of stupid things happened
I've experience a lot and now,
I can't change the past

if I can go back,
I would have ended it the day I realized he wasn't for me,
and that was when I was still 18 yrs old
I would have still talked and be friends with the people I've lost

But in reality,
can't change the past

Nothing will be the same anymore
I can only learn from my mistakes
moving forward

the past will stay in the past
can't change the past

You live and You learn

While in this journey of putting my little pieces of broken heart back together, i live and i learn.
Being single is a learning process...
learn from my mistakes or it can turn into something bad.
it's not the same anymore...
I didn't know people are crazy mo fo out there
i.e. stalkers, rapist, molester, just crazy/weird people
I learned that never to give ur address on a first date, why because if didn't turn out so good, you end up with him knowing where u live
= potential crazy/weird people
what ever happened to...? when you meet a guy, they ask u 4 ur # and then meet for a date and be all cool about it and waited it out and see if it's all good and shit
why the f*** is it so complicated now.

I guess every guy I will meet, I will learn from it.
or I think I shouldn't be talkin to dudes at all until i am ready

I will keep learning

Courage

Will I have the courage to love again?
With 7 years of being in love
my heart is not broken into 2 pieces it's shattered into millions,
yet there is courage to keep healing.

When I feel so low,
will I have the courage to grow

when I feel so down and depress,
will i have the courage to keep going

there's always people in and out of my lives,
can that bring me courage to love again?

Let's Keep It Real

Man, Oh Man!!
Why can't guys keep it real?
why they so shady all the time
shady as in not dependable, meaning guys can be dishonest, meaning they are very untrustworthy
there is no trust there is no love
and love i guess is very hard to find, especially when guys are so damn
shady

when a guy said, "imma take you out for a drink" or "let's go to the movies" or "go out to eat"
I take their word for it,
and if they do not want to go out with me,
why can't they tell me and not flake on me
cuz flakiness is shady
lets keep it real men

If they are busy,
tell me
keep it real

all i want to do is just hang out
what is wrong with that?
but why can't they keep it real?

Single/Alone

being single/alone is not what its crapped up to be..
why?
because you can have fun all you want, but your always going to be by yourself...
you can't sometimes have fun, because you have to take care of all them business and have responsibility
yes i may be independent and sometimes depend on family for help
but still alone
it sucks and sometimes it hurts
it hurts especially when someone stops you from doing what you want to do

you can't even have sex when you want to, even though sex is not always everything, but if you haven't had sex in 3 months = alone

but being alone...
you can see what is out there in life... = explore
i can still do whatever i want and go where ever I want and no one can stop me
because...
I just don't give a fuck anymore
I don't care what people think
I don't care what people say about me
I don't care if there is a porn that comes out with me in it
I DON'T give a FUCK

being single/alone is not whats its crapped up to be

Rebound

Rebound
when u break up with someone, it's very hard to get over them.
do we really need a rebound person to fill in that hole in our lives?
or can we just have many friends to help us forget the other person?

can we just, just maybe be alone and not rely on people?
do we have to have sex with the Rebound person in order to make us feel better?
what is it really about having a rebound mean?

Broken

I work so hard to rebuild the relationship, but the bad just keeps coming back.
He played, I played, he played and lied... but in the end it's all about the games.
never grew from it...

the worries, the lying, hiding stuff and not communicating.
I thought I had it, I thought I wasn't going to have to worry anymore, I thought we tell each other everything.
I thought he was the one, after 7 years... 7 years of working, trying to do the best that I can... but then in the end he got tired and lied...
and so I am tired of being lied to.
We were so young when we started, but now we grew up too fast

I really don't feel anything anymore.
cry because it hurts
to him if moving on is being with another girl so fast, then that just shows that he didn't really care about our relationship.

and I am a bigger person, bigger person because- even though it hurts so bad that I may still love him...I just have to move on and
KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!