The Numb Feeling

They say it's normal to feel numb about love in my situation.
Numb, that I don't feel anything about relationship; about anything; about anybody
Numb, because I do not have a whole heart
Numb, that if a guy don't like me, I don't care, because I don't give a shit and I don't have a heart to care about what he said

Numb enough that no matter how much I talk to guys,
I don't really know what they want
I don't know if they really like me or they're just messing around with my mind
so, what do i do?
I talk to them, but can't really trust what they say.
How do I know that when they want to talk to me, they really want to talk to me and get to know each other kind of talk...
If I put an effort to talking to them, how will I know that they're doing the same thing?
How do I know that I'm not the last person they call at night, because their other bitches wont talk to them?
How do i know that they're doing the same amount of effort that i'm putting in talking to them?
I will never know, until they tell me...
I wish it was simple again,
I wish they will just tell me how they feel, straight up
But in the mean time,
I will feel numb about every guy I meet
I will feel limited, not whole

I guess I don't have trust in any men right now,
I don't trust love
Love is numb

Part of being numb that I hate the most is that people that I know keeps telling me,
"you will find that someone special in you life" or "focus on yourself and your studies"
what the fuck you think I'm doing right now, not focusing on myself...duh!
I've always been focus about what I want in life, I just learned the hard way in life
but
I'm still focus
No numbness about that...

I will feel numb, until someone touches my heart and put it back into place

Can't Change the Past

It so hard to forget the past
a lot of decisions, a lot of different experiences
a lot of stupid things happened
I've experience a lot and now,
I can't change the past

if I can go back,
I would have ended it the day I realized he wasn't for me,
and that was when I was still 18 yrs old
I would have still talked and be friends with the people I've lost

But in reality,
can't change the past

Nothing will be the same anymore
I can only learn from my mistakes
moving forward

the past will stay in the past
can't change the past

You live and You learn

While in this journey of putting my little pieces of broken heart back together, i live and i learn.
Being single is a learning process...
learn from my mistakes or it can turn into something bad.
it's not the same anymore...
I didn't know people are crazy mo fo out there
i.e. stalkers, rapist, molester, just crazy/weird people
I learned that never to give ur address on a first date, why because if didn't turn out so good, you end up with him knowing where u live
= potential crazy/weird people
what ever happened to...? when you meet a guy, they ask u 4 ur # and then meet for a date and be all cool about it and waited it out and see if it's all good and shit
why the f*** is it so complicated now.

I guess every guy I will meet, I will learn from it.
or I think I shouldn't be talkin to dudes at all until i am ready

I will keep learning

Courage

Will I have the courage to love again?
With 7 years of being in love
my heart is not broken into 2 pieces it's shattered into millions,
yet there is courage to keep healing.

When I feel so low,
will I have the courage to grow

when I feel so down and depress,
will i have the courage to keep going

there's always people in and out of my lives,
can that bring me courage to love again?

Let's Keep It Real

Man, Oh Man!!
Why can't guys keep it real?
why they so shady all the time
shady as in not dependable, meaning guys can be dishonest, meaning they are very untrustworthy
there is no trust there is no love
and love i guess is very hard to find, especially when guys are so damn
shady

when a guy said, "imma take you out for a drink" or "let's go to the movies" or "go out to eat"
I take their word for it,
and if they do not want to go out with me,
why can't they tell me and not flake on me
cuz flakiness is shady
lets keep it real men

If they are busy,
tell me
keep it real

all i want to do is just hang out
what is wrong with that?
but why can't they keep it real?

Single/Alone

being single/alone is not what its crapped up to be..
why?
because you can have fun all you want, but your always going to be by yourself...
you can't sometimes have fun, because you have to take care of all them business and have responsibility
yes i may be independent and sometimes depend on family for help
but still alone
it sucks and sometimes it hurts
it hurts especially when someone stops you from doing what you want to do

you can't even have sex when you want to, even though sex is not always everything, but if you haven't had sex in 3 months = alone

but being alone...
you can see what is out there in life... = explore
i can still do whatever i want and go where ever I want and no one can stop me
because...
I just don't give a fuck anymore
I don't care what people think
I don't care what people say about me
I don't care if there is a porn that comes out with me in it
I DON'T give a FUCK

being single/alone is not whats its crapped up to be

Rebound

Rebound
when u break up with someone, it's very hard to get over them.
do we really need a rebound person to fill in that hole in our lives?
or can we just have many friends to help us forget the other person?

can we just, just maybe be alone and not rely on people?
do we have to have sex with the Rebound person in order to make us feel better?
what is it really about having a rebound mean?